Hey you,
This newsletter is gonna be a little different…
First, it’s in English. As you can see.
I used to write in French as I lived in France,
and I thought made more sense.
But honestly?
I write, think, journal and process life in English most of the time.
And when I’m traveling, most of the people I meet are not French
— and they want to read what I write.
So, let’s try in English this time.
I don’t know if it’ll stay like this, but for now, it feels right.
Let me know if it doesn’t for you!
Second, this letter is… a work in progress.
I’m in the middle of something.
I’m figuring things out as I go.
And today I wanted to share.
The day I said stop
About ten days ago, I ended my relationship.
I finally said stop.
Stop to what I couldn’t accept anymore.
Stop to the disrespect.
Stop to not being chosen when it mattered.
The next day, fear and guilt kicked in.
I thought maybe we could rebuild.
We tried. But it was too much for him.
He needed space. I couldn’t give it.
A few days ago… everything changed.
I had not expected things to shift like this.
The space he needed…
I ended up giving it to him.
It was sudden. Not planned.
But I’m grateful for all of this.
Yes it broke me… for a few days.
But now I’m getting back on my feet.
I’m realizing how much I needed this.
To see what I couldn’t see before.
Obviously, my love for him is still here.
But the relationship we had? It’s over.
The dynamics, the attachment, the way we communicated
— I can’t go back to that. I won’t.
Because as soon as I said stop that day,
I saw everything I had accepted,
that I never should have.
The disrespect. The silence. The shrinking.
I do hope our paths cross again,
someday, after we’ve both grown.
And that maybe we’ll start a new relationship — a fresh start.
But maybe we won’t.
And now… I have to let go of these thoughts.
I have to move forward. Focus on me.
This newsletter is about that:
About what it really means to choose yourself.
Where my responsibility is
It’s easy to point the finger at him.
To say he didn’t protect me when some people disrespected me.
He didn’t support me the way I needed.
He didn’t communicate well enough to help us.
And yes — that’s true. On some level, it is.
But what’s also true…
is that I stayed.
I saw the disrespect.
I felt the insecurity.
I knew it didn’t feel right.
And yet… I stayed.
I tried explaining.
I asked for change. I spoke my truth.
But when nothing changed… I stayed anyway.
And by staying, I disrespected myself.
I abandoned myself.
I thought I was fighting for love.
But I was fighting against myself.
That’s what I see now.
Not to blame or hate myself.
But to take responsibility for my part.
Because if I don’t,
I’ll just keep repeating the same story,
again and again.
And I don’t want that.
I did NOT choose myself first
For two years, I put his needs first.
I stayed in Paris when my heart was screaming to travel and to explore.
He didn’t force me to stay.
But he didn’t encourage me to leave either.
He just wouldn’t communicate about it.
I was so afraid that by following my path…
I would lose him.
So I stayed. Again and again.
I chose him.
Instead of choosing my dreams.
I chose his way of living instead of mine.
And whenever I chose myself first…
I was filled with guilt.
So I didn’t let myself live fully.
Obviously there were many things at play.
Deep down… I was scared.
Scared of not being loved for who I was.
Scared of being abandoned.
So I unconsciously gave up on my desires.
I silenced my needs. I changed my path.
Just to continue being loved.
But it didn’t work.
It only made me lose parts of myself.
That’s what I’m realizing now.
Through conversations with relationship experts, friends, strangers…
Through books and online content…
And mostly, by looking honestly at myself.
What does it mean to choose yourself?
Today, for me, it means :
Listening to my needs & respecting them
Walking away when it feels wrong
Focusing on my dreams and desires
(not living for someone else’s)
Saying no when my heart or body says no
(no more forcing going to an event if I’m physically or emotionally tired).
Expressing myself authentically
(not shrinking or hiding in fear of being judged or misunderstood)
“The right people, the right paths, the right love — will find you on the way.”
But it won’t happen if I keep forcing myself to fit into a life that isn’t mine.
So I’m trying, little by little.
I’m starting to figure it out.
I’m learning what choosing myself truly means.
The Fear of Rejection
There’s another part of this story.
Something that kept coming back lately.
For years, I surrounded myself with people who loved me for who I was.
Friends who understood me.
Family who had seen me evolve.
I thought I was safe.
Immune to judgment.
But this relationship showed me I wasn’t.
Meeting his world—his family, his friends—
brought all my insecurities to the surface.
Suddenly, I wasn’t a strong woman anymore.
I was scared. I felt judged.
I wanted to be accepted. Loved.
So I shrunk myself.
I tried to be “not too much”.
I hid my unconventional parts.
But in the process, I lost myself.
And when the relationship ended…
I caught myself wondering:
“What are his friends going to think?”
It shocked me.
Why was I still giving power to people who barely knew me?
Why was I still scared of being rejected by them?
The truth is : no matter how much inner work we’ve done…
some situations will always trigger the places we haven’t healed yet.
When we don’t fully accept ourselves,
every bit of rejection—imagined or not— hurts deeply.
That’s something I need to heal now.
Not just to feel stronger.
But to finally feel free.
Where I’m at now
I’m at the beginning of this.
It’s messy.
It’s uncomfortable.
Some days, I find some clarity.
And some days, I question everything.
But for the first time in a long time,
I feel like I’m walking my own path again.
Not someone else’s.
To have the kind of love I want —safe, deep, stable— I have to first build that safety and stability within myself.
I have to love myself.
I have to choose myself.
And once I do…
I won’t settle anymore.
I won’t beg for love.
I won’t accept less than I deserve.
That’s where I’m going.
One step at a time.
Some questions for your own journey
If any of this resonates, maybe take a moment to reflect:
Am I in relationships (friendship, familial, romantic) that uplift me and make me feel supported? Or am I settling for less than I deserve?
Where do I shrink myself to feel loved or accepted?
Do I have work or hobbies that light me up inside? Or am I just going through the motions of the same daily routines?
What would change if I allowed myself to want what I truly want?
When was the last time I ignored my own needs to please someone else?
You can write about it,
talk about it,
or just sit with it.
No pressure to fix it all today.
Just start noticing.
Resources that can help
If you feel called to go deeper, here are a few things that helped me:
@jillianturecki on Instagram.
(her content and her Choosing Yourself program are gold.)
@yeswebloom sur insta pour les français
“The Mastery of Love”, Don Miguel Ruiz
“The Gifts of Imperfection” Brené Brown
“You are a Badass” Jen Sincero
(some of the books people recommended to me a few days ago)
And of course… conversations with friends.
With strangers on the road.
With yourself, in your journal.
That’s where healing often starts.
💌 Thank you for taking the time to read me
If you want to talk,
you can contact me on Instagram or LinkedIn
or just respond to this mail.
If you think my newsletter can help someone… send it to them :)
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Talk to you soon,
Nine